I'm A Fucking Ticking Time Bomb

By An Anonymous Conributor

I sit in darkness. I can hear muffled sounds around me but cannot make anything of it. My body feels weak, and for some reason  my mind tells me that I don’t want to open my eyes. 

My face feels swollen. The muffled noise begins to transform into my friends voice. I try to open my eyes; they are almost swollen shut. I can barely make anything out from what I see.

Where the hell am I?

The hallway I am in is bright- so bright it stings my eyes. I look around me; clarity soon enters my mind and I can make out that I am at my friend’s house.  

What the hell happened to me?

I look down at my legs. They are covered in blood along with purple bruises. My arms are scratched and bruised as well. My head aches so fucking bad; it feels like it is pulsing. My heart begins to race.

What the hell happened to me?

I turn to my friend. She looks distraught. Tears are flowing down her face. Our eyes meet and she immediately dives into my arms and squeezes me tight.

I do not understand; why she is so upset? What is going on? Is this a dream? The feeling of panic rushes over me. Do I want to know what happened? Why am I covered with blood and bruises? Was I attacked? Did I hurt someone? My heart is racing. I try to speak yet nothing comes out. I try again. The only words I can manage to say are

“What happened to me?”

She pulls herself away from my arms and tilts her head.

“You don’t remember?”

I attempt to speak again but cannot muster the energy to say even one word. I shake my head “no”.

“You were just talking to me about how badly you have wanted to kill yourself… you don’t remember? You were literally just talking about it. I am so worried for you. I love you. Please don’t kill yourself.”

I feel like I have just woken up. Why can’t I remember anything from these past twenty-four hours? Has it even been twenty-four hours?

Tears fill my eyes.

“What? I don’t understand.”

“I found you repeatedly punching yourself in the shower, distraught, and screaming that you want to die.”

I still do not understand. How could this be? I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t want to die.

“I called your mom and she is on her way to pick you up right now.”

My body begins to tremble. The shaking brings pain that shoots throughout all parts of my body. I am so scared.

What the hell happened to me?

Although I do not know what happened before I woke up in this hallway, my mind already knows the gist of it. I am coming out from one of my severe blackouts. They kill me- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I know this is the beginning of a suffering that I do not want to experience once again. I do not know if I have it in me to overcome this.

So I go to the only default that I know will remove me, even for a second, from this experience.

I begin to punch myself on the head. As my fist hits my face I can feel my raw, bruised knuckles plunging into my skin. I deserve this pain. I need this pain to remove me from this situation. I need this pain to make me feel okay.

Too bad this was not the last time I drank, or the last time I had an episode of blacking  out.