By Sebastian Fortino
Hey Eustace, it’s your housemate David! Glad to see you moved all your stuff in. I normally don’t go into the tenant rooms, well, my guest’s rooms. I want you to feel at home, you rent, but please, consider yourself a treasured guest. It’s just that you left the door open and the dogs smelled your take out. I got to them RIGHT BEFORE they were about to devour the nachos.
Oh, nachos in fridge. You can thank me later!
PS, is that all you brought? A ripped futon? If you need to go thrifting or to Ikea for some furniture, let me know.
I hope you don’t mind. I was hungry. I ate the nachos. You left them in the fridge for three days!
Oh, I shouldn’t have ate the nachos. Jack says he saw you carry them in A WEEK AGO...DO NOT LEAVE FOOD OUT JUST SITTING THERE! Not only does it bring bugs, and dogs, LOL but it can make’ya sick!
Eustace, while I know marijuana is legal in the State of Oregon I keep a strict rule of not smoking pot in the house. Feel free to spark up on the back porch, the backyard, anywhere on the property which is not inside the house. Thank you.
And really, if you were getting high down there, how could you resist the nachos?
Hey, look...I know it’s freezing outside. But, if I ask you NOT to smoke pot in the house why would you think smoking cigarettes INSIDE the house is reasonable?
Can you promise not to do that again? Thanks!
Hey, Eustace...I get that you’re 23. I was 23 once too. I’m 42 now, so what? It appears our other roommate Jack had a date with a friend of yours. On the second date your friend told Jack you said, “Why would you go on a date with Jack? He’s old, weird, and boring.”
Jack is 35. That’s not old. He’s not weird, just a little volatile, going through a divorce.
And, he’s not boring...he just streams AllClassical.org due to anxiety issues. He’s not an NPR guy. He once fell asleep at the wheel listening to ‘All Things Considered’. Never drove again. Still gets panicky if someone says they know Ari Shapiro.
Oh, back to the “old comment.” Here’s my point: You respect older people. I’ve met your daddy several times. So affectionate you call him daddy, at your age. So cool he sleeps over whenever he visits. And, while I don’t like you smoking pot in the house...when your father comes over I can excuse it. I wouldn’t want to make a 60 YO man change his habits. If he gets high at home, he can smoke indoors here.
Oh shit...Jack just made me realize that “daddy” isn’t your father.
And, since he’s not your father...NO MORE SMOKING POT IN THE HOUSE!
As you know, I’m having a little party in the back garden. Not a Fourth of July party, a Third of July Evening Cocktail Thing. Now, don’t worry about bringing anything. I don’t like to make too much trouble for my guests when it’s an outdoor thing. Feel free to come although only bring one friend. I really don’t have much seating.
Eustace! I really don’t understand your thoughts last night. I said a simple party. THERE WAS NO NEED TO SET FIREWORKS OFF ON THE FRONT LAWN! Yes, I appreciate your intention was to let me & the others see them from the backyard but...you left your window open. The explosion caused the neighbor’s cat to rush into your room seeking shelter. The dogs came running to the source of the noise. UPON SEEING THE DAMNED CAT THEY CHASED THE POOR THING ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND INTO THE BACK GARDEN.
I had to calm down...anyway. Twenty fairly drunk guests--some of them quite fey--were still getting over the surprise fireworks when what goes racing through the yard? Two dogs! CHASING A FUCKING CAT! I’m just a little frustrated!
Oh, this fireworks display cost me $80. The explosion made Marco spill red wine on his white Emporio Armani polo shirt. I would have had to pay full retail if his boyfriend hadn’t reminded him he got it from a consignment shop. Marco was so embarrassed at the reveal of the shirt’s being secondhand that they left not speaking.
UPDATE: Marco and his boyfriend broke up.
Hey, Jack and I are going to the beach. It was last minute! I forgot to feed the dogs. Can you please feed them on your way out? Thanks.
Eustace, hey, Eustace! Did you feed the dogs? LMK, thanks.
Hey, it’s David! Dude, do you have my number in your phone? Why do you never answer my texts! I need to know you have my number. Let me know about feeding pups. Thanks.
Eustace, haven’t heard from you. Don’t know if you fed dogs. I called you but it says your voicemail isn’t set up. Please, let me know if you fed dogs.
Hey. Still no response. Gonna leave the beach early. I guess you went to work early today.
EUSTACE! The dogs were fed??? WTF? I left the beach two hours earlier than we had to...OK. I know it’s my responsibility to feed MY dogs but I wish you had told me you got the message and fed the boys. Ugh. Let’s get better about answering texts.
Hey man, I just don’t get why you won’t respond to texts! This is about locking the front door. Let me check your application, maybe email would work out better.
You list your email address as your Facebook. WTF? But...you have me blocked! PLEASE respond to texts! Please--I need this as a hard & fast rule--even if you’re just going out of the house for five minutes please lock the front door behind you.
I don’t wanna be a drag but man, if you’re gonna live off takeout & fast food please...please for the love of God throw the containers in the bin in the driveway. Don’t throw them away in the kitchen garbage! It’s a rule both Jack & I follow. The dogs get into trash, grab containers, and make a mess.
I have a feeling you’re not home. I mean, I haven’t smelled pot all day. Which, by the way you REALLY NEED TO STOP SMOKING IN THE HOUSE!
Oh, about the pot: I have clients coming in off-and-on this month for a new project. You can smoke on the porch, in the back...like you agreed to when you got back from Burning Man. Sorry you were confused because your friend Molly was really intense, hope you work it out.
Fuck...Jack just told me what Molly is. We used to call it Ecstasy.
START LOCKING THE DAMN DOOR!
I DIDN’T MEAN LOCK THE DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE AND SEE ME IN THE FRONT GARDEN WATERING THE ROSES!
THREE DOGS! I came home last night. I said, “Hey dogs, what’s up boys? And hey, dog’s friend.” BUT DOGS DON’T HAVE FRIENDS OVER! Jack told me your friend dropped his dog off for the night. Jack said, “Eustace told me it was cool.” I guess you meant you were cool with it. Or the dogs were cool. Jack interpreted it as you had permission from me. You did not. But it worked out. He was a sweet little guy but...NO POT smoking in the house, and no other dogs in the house. This is a ONE-TIME thing! No more doggie guests.
EUSTACE. FLEAS! I appreciate that you’re a good tenant. I never see you, so it’s purely a landlord-renter agreement. But your friend’s dog left fleas behind. Left behind in my bed, because I couldn’t separate the dogs when I went to bed. The dogs are fine, they get treated but...I’m covered in bites!
As it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, we’re having a potluck since we’re staying in Portland. We’d like to invite you since you don’t seem to be going away. Just a sudden, casual thing. Feel free to invite some friends. Just bring plates or bottles.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU...YOU ARE OF THE AGE NOW WHERE IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A PARTY & ASKED TO BRING A PLATE OR BOTTLE THAT MEANS YOU BRING A PLATE OR A BOTTLE! IF YOU BRING GUESTS OF YOUR OWN THEY TOO BRING A PLATE OR A BOTTLE. VERY SWEET YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN PAPER PLATES, BUT ONCE AGAIN, YOU SHOULD HAVE THROWN THEM IN THE GARBAGE--OUTSIDE. THE DOGS GOT THEM...MY ROOM IS COVERED IN SHREDDED, DIRTY PLATES!
I am very happy you decided to get your own place. That’s great! HOWEVER, JUST BECAUSE YOU FOUND A PLACE DOES NOT MEAN YOU MOVE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BEFORE I CAN INSPECT THE ROOM, WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU WEREN’T RENEWING THE LEASE.
Just saw your room. I appreciate you left the place furnished. I JUST DON’T KNOW IF MY NEXT TENANT WILL CONSIDER A RIPPED FUTON, FOUR CANS OF BEER, $7.67 IN LOOSE CHANGE, SEVERAL EMPTY TAKE OUT CONTAINERS, TWO JOINTS, AND A TOM OF FINLAND CALENDAR--TO BE FURNISHED. Leaving the window open was also not advisable. The neighbor’s cat got in again and the dogs nearly killed the poor thing. You’d think she’d learn after the fireworks!
Eustace. I see that you stopped by & spoke to Jack. I don’t care that your daddy is a lawyer. I too have legal counsel and will make sure to sue you according to the agreements in our lease, which you broke.
OH SHIT. Jack just informed me that you meant daddy as in YOUR ACTUAL FATHER is a lawyer, not daddy as in “Oh, Daddy.” I’ve had enough. I don’t want to get embroiled in this. I am going to smoke one of the joints you left behind and try to forget this ever happened.
PS, THANKS FOR THE BEER.