By Nick Mcglashan
How could Bill do this to me after all I've done for him? Didn't he love me like a son? I reached out to many people afterwards for another job. Of course no one replied. I was by all accounts 'un-hirable'. In my addicted mind I had done nothing wrong. my diseased brain coming up with every excuse how I had been wronged and why I was the victim. I was so sick that I convinced myself that I had cancer. I truly believed that. I was a train wreck, this I knew but in my mind I was a good train wreck one with fireworks, glitter and pizza.
During my time in treatment as the fog of drugs began to lift I came to terms with the person I had become, an alcoholic dope fiend. I was so pissed at bill but why? Because he fired me. He left me. It was then I realized that in his shoes I would have done the same exact thing. Later I figured out that bill wasn't abandoning me but giving me the space I so desperately needed to grow and understand that I had three choices; I could clean up, get buried up or locked up. That was it. Everyone left me and I had nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, no one left. After losing my job on the summer bay I had found myself at the far too familiar place of rock bottom. The people that loved me that had 'abandoned' me gave me a special gift by their absence. The gift of room. Room to grow.
My father recently told me that during my active addiction he was mentally preparing himself to outlive me. I guess the saying is true, 'parents are only as happy as their kids' I had forgotten what happy was. The pain I caused my family I now realize is unmeasurable by any standard.
I always felt like I needed to be using. If I didn't use I would be missing out.
Being clean has given me the ability to feel once again. I am most thankful for the friendships that have developed in my recovery. I have what I like call 'my sober squad' a group of friends of all ages, color, race. We do everything together. They have become some of the best friends I've ever had. Some of us don't have anything in common. We don't like the same restaurants we frequent, I dislike the music she loves, he prefers this gym which I hate but we all share that special bond only found in recovering addicts. A bond that words cannot describe.
Sometimes the most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. My understanding of shame and despair has given me the ability to reach out with a loving and compassionate hand.
Everyone deserves a second chance. We all deserve 100 chances. My father and my family gave me another chance. With a new outlook and understanding, I got my life back. I once again have my loving family; they're loving me and I am loving life. I'm grateful to be clean and happy with myself and all I had to do was quit using drugs. It was that simple. I took the weight of the world I was carrying on my shoulders and turned it into a pair of wings.
Nick previously disclosed his struggles with addiction and journney of recovery in an exclusive with Chosen Magazine. You can read that here:
http://www.chosenmag.com/the-deadliest-disease/2017/5/2/the-deadliest-disease