Help Me, I'm Gay Poor

By Alexander Claud


The other day I was out at brunch in West Hollywood. My friends and I were talking about our week and the debauchery we got into the night before. Then, the fated moment came when the waiter asked, “What can I get you to drink?”

Obviously, the gaggle of gays I was with all began ordering the bottomless mimosas. Of course, there was the one weird guy who ordered the Bloody Mary (who the fuck even likes a Bloody Mary- it's like alcoholic cold soup) and then the waiter turned to me.

You see, before I even got to brunch, I did the good ‘ole responsible bank account check to know what level I could take this brunch to. Before ordering, I already knew all too well that it wasn’t bottomless mimosa level. I’m more on the ordering a side of tots level. When the waiter got around to me, I did the responsible thing and got a glass of water and a cup of coffee like any adult would do.

Wait. Who am I fucking kidding? OF COURSE I GOT THE MIMOSAS.

Like with many things in my life, I just learned to accept the consequences later. Like the amount of total sweat and regret I felt when I woke up from a Sunday Funday fog on Monday morning. All of this brings me to my point. It’s hard feeling inadequate as a semi broke gay in West Hollywood.

That being said, I don’t want you to read this as some whiney bitch complaining about “being poor” when actually I’m not. That’s not where this is going. I pay my bills. I pay my absurdly high rent. I shovel an atrocious amount of food in my mouth. I’m able to go out and have some fun. But, as I look around my community, I start to notice that I’m trying to keep up with a steakhouse lifestyle on a Taco Bell budget. So, I’m going to be a whiney bitch complaining about my temptations to live outside of my means and question why I allow myself to get down about my financial standing in the Weho community.

Whiney Bitch Topic #1: Going out to bars

Fortunately, I’ve surrounded myself with the most amazing people on the planet. Not because they have good personalities. Of course not. They all are actually atrocious human beings (y’all know this is a joke but I guess I should put a disclaimer in parentheses before anyone gets butt hurt and subtweets me or something). The reason my friends are amazing is because they know the value of a good 2-for-1 special and a heavy pour. However, there are times when I have to venture my way out of my comfort zone of Gym Bar and go to the fancy places like…. I don’t know… Bar 10 or The Abbey, or god forbid PUMP (please never make me go to there).  It is in those establishments that I feel a little more pressure to be a bit more upscale.  I’ll ask for a dirty martini to give off the illusion that I’m a classy bitch, but when the bartender starts to reach up on the 2nd or top shelf, I basically have to physically assault them and say “no bitch, imma take that well vodka you got down there below.” I just accept the weird glance I get along the way. I know this shouldn’t be that big of a deal, because I totally live a “I have no shame of being a dumpster human” kind of life, but there definitely are times where I feel slightly out of place FOR NO GOOD REASON. Thank god I have my dumpster fire friends who prefer Motherlode over The Chapel.

Whiney Bitch Topic #2: Gaycations

You ever notice those people who are constantly travelling? Or that one whole group of friends who are constantly in a different exotic country? If not in a different country, they are  living 50% of their lives in Palm Springs on a swan or donut pool float? Am I the only person that sits alone at night covered in Pringle crumbs scrolling through Instagram and just screaming at my phone?


Seriously, you guys,  what am I doing wrong here? Do they have sugar daddies? If I asked them if they have sugar daddies, would they throw a drink on me like Shangela from Rupaul's Drag Race? This will always be a mystery to me. To be honest, they are probably just working harder than me. Which is fine. Good for them. (I say all of this as I hit “watch next episode” on an America's Next Top Model marathon binge).

Whiney Bitch Topic #3: Clothing/General  possessions and outward appearance to others

I came out of the closet as a Maxxinista years ago. I always was proud of myself for finding great finds among piles of clothes at disorganized stores with lighting like a padded room in a psych ward. Give me a surplus store and $20 and I can change lives. Ross dress for less? Best deals on underwear in town.  Marshall's? Athletic wear central. I LOVE EM ALL! But then I moved to West Hollywood and I realized that even the high end stores I was shopping at, like Target and Forever 21, didn’t seem to cut it. It’s a whole different world when it comes to fashion and appearance. I live one block from Melrose place, but I couldn’t even tell you a store that’s on that street.

Why do I even feel this way? It’s not as if anyone is really asking me to make more money to fit in. None of my true friends ever make me feel bad for being on the lower end of the pay scale, so why do I get down on myself? Yes, not being better off in West Hollywood can be tough. At the end of the day, I am comparing myself to other people’s lifestyles. It is a futile exercise. All things considered, I have it pretty damn good in life. I have to look forward, focus on myself, and decide what it is that I really want and just go for it. I have learned that I need to stop lusting after what other people have, just to give off the illusion that I’m “Keeping Up With The Gaydashians.”

Anyone want to go to Taco Bell?

Follow Alexander Claud on Instagram @foralexsake and on Twitter @foralexsake