By Chris Heide
“A narcissists criticism is their autobiography”
“Narcissists would rather lie than admit fault. Admitting fault and being honest is viewed as a weakness. Lying is a way for narcissist to guide the narrative and feel in control. Most people view lying as being out of control, where narcissists view it as a way of taking control.”
Almost a year ago, to the day, I fell in love with a narcissist.
Some of you may be asking- why didn’t you see the red flags?!
Obviously, if I saw the red flags from the start, I would have never gotten myself into such a traumatizing situation.
I first met Nick in the middle of May last year. We had met though Grindr and had instant chemistry. Yes, the sex was mind-blowing, and I instantly felt comfortable around him. Usually, I do not sleep over with a hookup, but something about Nick made me want to stay. For the next two weeks, things were going great. I enjoyed spending time around Nick, and he was extremely considerate and affectionate. He would make me baked goods, give me flowers, and show me that he was beginning to love me. I started to feel like I had met someone I could marry, and Nick proposed to me on my birthday on May 31st. This was the beginning of the end. At the time I couldn’t see that Nick was love bombing me to trap me in his narcissistic web.
Almost immediately, the fighting started. We fought about EVERYTHING. Nick’s ability to pressure me and then guilt me when I set a boundary was astounding. To him, me setting any sort of boundary was a betrayal to our “love”. English is Nick’s second language- he was born in the Soviet Union and grew up in Russia. At first, the language difference seemed like a positive. It meant that we had to be intentional in our conversations and communication. However, I soon began to see that Nick pretended to not speak English as well as he actually did, which allowed him to justify his ever-growing verbal abuse.
The abuse was intense. I was the recipient of his verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. I was told that I was a slut, scum, a piece of shit. I was told I should have been successful in a previous suicide attempt. That I am not enough to any relationship or to the world. These were just few out of hundreds of verbal attacks. Nick was a master at gaslighting almost unparalleled with his uncontrollable anger. As the relationship progressed, Nick’s lies began to fall apart, especially as more of his unethical behavior came to light.
I found out that Nick had been cheating on me. It wasn’t a paranoid suspicion- I had proof. Actual photographic evidence that had been sent to me. When I confronted Nick, he lied directly to me.
It wasn’t me
That’s an old photo
That person is just jealous
His excuses lacked credibility and I called him out on it. Even with all this proof, he continued to lie. I also found out that he had been seeking out and using illicit substances on various hookup apps. Again, I had proof. Nick denied it. I asked him to take a drug test. He did and failed the test. And then he continued to lie. His using drugs behind my back was a huge violation of trust and a complete disregard for my own sobriety. When he did finally admit to cheating, he blamed me for it. When he finally admitted to illicit drug use, he said he hid it from me to protect me. The cognitive dissonance was astounding.
The thing about narcissists is that they always get caught. The stories don’t add up, the lies become preposterous, and the gaslighting becomes bombastic. They demand loyalty when they lack loyalty themselves. They demand trust, while not understanding that trust is earned. They are walking contradictions. They weaponize your trauma, insecurities, and flaws to disarm you. It is always about power- who hasn’t and who doesn’t. When challenged or confronted, the narcissist will do everything to not lose you, because you are the source that feeds their ego.
The more I challenged Nick on his discrepancies, the more he escalated. There were instances of physical aggression and non-consensual sexual touching. I felt trapped and alone, but people reminded me that an engagement was a serious commitment and that I needed to make it work. On some level, that made sense to me, but I wasn’t honest with how horrible the abuse was with the people who support me. Something told me that I needed to run.
After several failed attempts at breaking up, I finally broke up with him on our six-month anniversary. I had bought us tickets to an exhibit. Something we were both excited about. Nick was upset I wouldn’t spend the entire weekend with him, but I had a family crisis and school commitments that could not be rescheduled. Crises cannot be rescheduled, and Nick demanded I prioritize him over a life-and-death situation that require my undivided attention.
When I arrived to take Nick to the exhibit, he was drunk and irate. On the way to the exhibit, he told me he wanted to spit in my face and hit me. He spent the entire time at the exhibit walking around and crying. The only thing he would say to me is “I hate you”, with a nasty, vengeful tone. That was my breaking point. The next morning when we woke up, I broke up with him. Nick claimed to love me more than anyone who had ever been in his life. I realized that I loved the idea of someone who didn’t exist. The one thing I wanted in this relationship was honesty. Without that, we had nothing. Shortly after the breakup, the real hell began.
I was trusted my intuition and left Nick as soon as I could. A few months into the relationship, I had realized Nick had some severe mental health issues. I tried to get him help- I really did, but nothing was enough. I am a counselor and I utilized every resource and contact I had to try and get him some help. Help that he admitted he needed. If anything, he blamed me for not helping him more. I was a burden, someone to be shamed and vilified. The twisted part is that he justified his behaviors as love.
Nick then began a pattern of obsession; of stalking and harassing me. Showing up at my work, showing up at my home, flooding me with constant abusive texts and calls. This forced me to get a restraining order. This did not stop him. He violated the order on a near daily basis and was arrested twice. That did not stop him. He was charged with 19 crimes. That did not stop him. He was offered a plea where he was found guilty on two charges and put on supervised probation. That has not stopped him. He has displayed an arrogant contempt for the law. His counselor, who isn’t even qualified, has not properly diagnosed him, which is borderline malpractice. Nothing has stopped him. He has attempted to blackmail and get his revenge. In fact, this situation is still ongoing and as the victim of his relentless abuse, I can assuredly say that the criminal justice system had failed me as his victim. Nothing has made him stop.
The impact of this on me has been tremendous. I have PTSD as result of all of this. My anxiety and depression have been exacerbated and I am existing in a constant state of trauma. I have still managed to excel at my work and my job, but Nick’s continued abuse and blame began to erode my self-esteem, my perception of reality, and my truth. I was not perfect in the relationship by any means, but nothing I did justified the unrelenting trauma perpetuated by my abuser. He takes no accountability for his behavior and thinks that he should be absolved form any consequence. It’s like he performs straight out of the narcissist’s handbook.
Despite all of this, I continue to be a survivor. The power to write my own story and choose happiness is within me. I have engaged in trauma therapy, utilized by support systems, and made the decision to not let him, or his abuse, define me. I have not allowed him to compromise my sobriety. I was a warrior before I met him, and I am still a warrior now. Despite his harms, I am enough and always have been enough. I didn’t fail in this relationship. I set boundaries and those boundaries were completely ignored. And when I had enough, I left. Despite the brutality, those things feel like a success. My lived experience has a purpose. I believe that my story will help someone else who is trapped in the whirlpool of the narcissist. If you are reading this, you can escape the quicksand. Calling out your abuser does not make you a bad person. Calling out a narcissist strips them of their death grip on your life.
You can be free. You are valid. Your truth matters.