By Chris Heide
Addiction is a horrible disease. It is consuming and powerful. When someone is in active addiction, their real self seems to disappear. Prior to getting sober nearly 8 years ago, I was a shell of myself and a slave to my disease. Never did I imagine that I would ever be on the opposite side of addiction. To watch a loved one become almost unrecognizable, but still be the good person, whom you love, is paradoxical.
The last year has been brutal for so many people. Rates of relapse and overdose have skyrocketed, and many people have struggled to cope with their addictions and mental health issues. Within the last couple of months, I have had to grapple with the relapses of people I care about as well as my best friend. The aftermath of these heartbreaking events have impacted me in ways I could have never imagined.
The feeling of powerlessness hits differently when you watch someone you love to succumb to addiction and return to using. No matter what the reasoning your loved one has for returning to use, it can feel like you are losing a part of yourself. When my loved one relapsed, I instantly began to blame myself. What did I do wrong? Was this my fault? Does he still love and care about me? He is abandoning me? So many questions and a poverty of satisfying answers.
The simple truth is that an addict relapses because that is a natural part of the untreated disease. However, when you are a recovering addict who also struggles with codependency, it is nearly impossible to not feel responsible. After he relapsed, I blamed myself, despite all the knowledge I have about my disease. I felt that my attempts at help were not enough and that he was choosing drugs over me. The reality that an addict can both love someone and still relapse are not mutually exclusive concepts. My friend did not relapse because of me; however, the impact of his relapse has a tremendous impact on me. I slipped into self-pity and told myself that life would not allow me to have good things. That anything or anyone who made me happy would be taken away because I was undeserving of happiness. I tried every imaginable way to help my friend. My codependency told me that the only was for me to feel emotionally secure, safe, and happy was if my friend was okay.
With the relapse came the loss of hope and of dreams for the future. My friend and I had been making so many plans for the future; business plans, living plans, shared hopes and dreams that we would be able to experience together. As our friendship progressed, so did the feeling of emotional connectedness. I felt like I had finally found my person- the person who knew exactly how I thought and felt because he thought and felt the exact same way. We understood each other on a deep level, and that sense of bonding provided me with a sense of safety and comfort. When the relapse happened, my insecurities and fear of abandonment kicked into high gear. Was I losing my person? Were all those goals and plans gone forever? Do I need to grieve? Too many questions, too few answers.
I finally began to understand how my family must have felt when I was using. The desire to help me get clean, but not being able to do anything until I was ready. I empathized with how my family must have felt as I continued down a path of self-hatred and self-destruction. How I made choices, driven by my addiction, that left a tremendous wake of damage in the lives of my loved ones. The truth is, no matter what the reason for using, addiction does not happen in a vacuum. It not only impacts the addict, but the people the addict loves. As of now, I do not know where my loved one is living or how he is feeling and not being able to know or understand is often unbearable. I don’t know when I will next hear from him and not knowing, without me reaching out for support from others, is often enough to break me. And I do not want to feel broken anymore. Despite my pain, and the empathy I have for the pain of my loved one, I must utilize this opportunity to heal myself. Because that is truly the only thing I have control over.
To my best friend- on the off chance you are reading this, I hope you know you are loved. You are missed. You are supported. You are enough. You are worthy. I believe in you and your ability to get and stay clean forever. You provide value to so many people’s lives, including mine. If you feel adrift or lost, I hope that you can find your way back. You are more than using and the lifestyle. You are deserving of having your dreams and goals fulfilled and of having people in your life who love and care about you. You do not need or deserve to be alone, despite what your mind, fears, guilt, or shame spiral may be telling you. I want you to understand that you do not need to feel guilt or shame: you are deserving of compassion, love, empathy, and understanding.