Written by an Anonymous Contributor
Edited by Christopher Heide
I am a liar. It’s simple really. I learned a long time ago that telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth got me nothing but pain, misery, hopelessness and depression. These are not a few of my favorite things. Time and time again, I would tell people how I really feel or think and get reamed. No one cares how I feel. They care how I make THEM feel. People don’t want to hear about my problems, fears or concerns. They want me to make them feel good. They want me to be the party guy who dances his ass off, gets all the girls and makes them look good. Weakness is a Darwinian trait. Only the strong survive and strength perceived is strength achieved. If you don’t have it, act like you do. Do it long enough and it becomes truth.
This is the beginning of my biggest lie. The one I tell myself on a daily basis. When I check the mirror for the fifteenth time in an hour hoping that I look a little bit better this time. When I stare myself down and eyefuck my reflection, putting on that sardonic grin that seems to work so well.
When I analyze every mental dialogue for tone and pace, I’m prepared to put the proper spin on any conversation I might have during the day. When I tell myself how much of a rockstar, pussy magnet and business impresario I am. Understand this, if I don’t believe this shit, you never will. I’ve mastered the art of making my perception your reality.
It’s astounding the amount of work and energy it takes to make everyone think I don’t care. The emotionless, go with the flow vibe is key. Thank you Law of Attraction. Mix in some basic brainwashing techniques and passive aggressive emotional distancing, and you have a potent cocktail of mental WMDs. This is art and science. You read How to Win Friends and Influence People, I read Art of War.
I love the magic in life. the ability to create illusion on the largest scale possible. I am walking, talking, fucking performance art. How far to push before someone breaks. Life is a game and people are the pieces. Move them around until everything fits just right, then wipe the board clean. Now comes the tricky part. See, I figured out people have feelings. When you fuck them over time and time again, they take it hard. I can’t deal with that. This is when the oldest magician’s trick comes in. Vanish into thin air.
This brings up the question…Why? Why am I like this? Why do I treat people this way? Why do I look for every opportunity to use, manipulate and ultimately destroy those in my path? It’s not complicated. I am a piece of shit. I know this, and given the opportunity to see beyond my carefully crafted image, you will know it too. This is unacceptable. You can’t know that I live every day in fear. Scared of you, more scared of me, scared that the world will realize how much of a coward I really am. It’s a Ponzi scheme requiring a constant replenishment of people to keep the system running. I take validation from the person on my left to fuel my endeavors with the person on the right.
Someday I may be willing and able to address the issues that cause my lack of character and empathy, but until then I’ll keep living the lie.